Amy Rathbun reflects on how the Lord is discipling her through the beautiful calling of motherhood…
I used to be at least 15 minutes early to everything. I lived by my planner, religiously kept up with friends and family, always had vacuum-lines in my carpet, and wrote thank you cards in a timely manner. I had daily devotions, memorized scripture, and a regular exercise routine. Life was wonderfully organized and neat. I loved it. Many people have referred to me as “Monica” for some time now because apparently I have very similar characteristics to that of the character “Monica Geller” on the television series, “Friends”. Or let’s just say I *had* these characteristics.
Well… motherhood changes things. I have been in a seemingly never-ending struggle to regain even the slightest bit of control of my life, to no avail. After our first daughter (now 4.5 years old) was born, things changed a bit. I was always tired, didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do, but life was doable according to my somewhat obsessive-compulsive standards. Then along came our little man, who will be three years old in a couple of months. Things were much more challenging. With two in diapers, and both completely dependent upon me for everything, I felt the grip on my uptight lifestyle loosening considerably.
Four months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful, happy little baby girl who has forever changed my life. I have heard it said that adding a third is a “piece of cake” since the others grow a bit older and can often help out. Well, I can’t agree with that in my experience. I am totally outnumbered. While I adore each of my sweet little blessings, I often find myself completely and totally overwhelmed at the messes they can create in a matter of seconds. The mountain of laundry that ensues is really unbelievable. The number of loaves of bread we now consume in a week is astounding!
Four months ago, I was finally faced with a choice. I could choose to painfully cling to the comforts of a clean and tidy home and attempt to pursue rigorous organization, or I could choose to embrace this season of life and accept the beautiful chaos that comes from being blessed beyond my comprehension.
It took having three children for God to really show me that it is absolutely impossible to do anything without His grace, His strength, His wisdom, His mercy and His love. I had come to fully realize my desperate need for God to help me through the day. No longer was I able to pretend like I had it all together. It was clear that even my attempts at outwardly having my “ducks in a row” were completely ineffective and my inward state was even worse. I needed someone Greater to help me endure without yielding to my own selfish desires.
Though I had studied the passage in John’s gospel where he talks about the vine and the branches many times before, it had finally started to take root in my life. He says,
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:4-5
I needed to let go of the things that I was clinging to so tightly. I realized that perpetually seeking order and neatness and feeling discontented whenever I was in the midst of a mess was really an outward sign of what was going on within me. I was stunting my own growth by being consumed by the idol of control in my life and in the lives of my children. I needed to not only allow my Creator to craft the beauty in our household, but to sustain it as well. Peace is not about the state of our circumstances, but the state of our hearts in the midst of those circumstances. “For He himself is our Peace” (Eph. 2:14) and it is by abiding in Him and being deeply rooted in Him that we will have peace in our hearts and fruit in our lives.
I have since learned that “cleanliness is next to godliness” is nothing but a myth. I no longer want to be characterized as “Monica”, but as a woman who abides in the Lord.
Amy Rathbun has been married to her best friend and the love of her life, Aaron, for 6 years. They have three adorably vivacious kiddos: Nevaeh (4), Justus (2) and Evangeline (4 months). They currently live in New Haven, Connecticut, USA, while Aaron is studying Philosophical Theology at Yale Divinity School. Amy holds both a BA and an MA in Education and is passionate about working with disadvantaged children. She enjoys playing with her kiddos, cinnamon lattes, good conversations, worshiping God, cloth diapering and a good pick-up soccer game.
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